“What am I doing here? How on Earth did I get here? Who put me here in front of all these people, and what is this strange scene which now plays out before me?” Yes, dear reader, ironically, I did in fact begin to get decidedly Shakespearean about it. I suddenly began to find flirting techniques in this meaningless way to be really weird and at odds with what I was feeling inside and really wanting to communicate. Most of the time, I was at best an observer, watching myself doing research about approaching women and thinking “so what?”
At best, I occasionally managed to convince myself that I was really, like, connecting with people on some other level, and that they were like, just so, like, moved by the inherent message in the tones of my voice… that they would be awakened to the voice of their own hearts and be, like, changed forever…when I ask girls out?
This was as good as it got and in time it began to dawn on me that for anything remotely like the above to happen, people would need to;
- Be seeking this kind of paradigm shift in a hotel lounge on New Year’s Eve, or
- Have the message spelled out to them in the lyrics of the song.
I just wasn’t convinced about ‘Moon in June’ any more. Just wasn’t feeling, ‘Misty’ at all!! At other times I began to find it all peculiarly comical especially when musicians were taking it, and themselves, way too seriously. But at the very worst times, I felt exposed, alone, ineffective and self-deceiving.
By then, I had already written several tips of dating of my own and was totally in love with the writing process itself, however, I just couldn’t seem to drum up any enthusiasm for seriously promoting myself as a pickup artist. If I was going to make original advice on dating, it was going to have to be truly original, without compromise. I wanted complete artistic freedom; I had something else to say and I hadn’t found a place within this stifling environment where I was free to say it.
There was also the fact that I could never quite get away from the nagging feeling that my true calling was actually elsewhere, and there was no vacuous pop-star tour that I was ever going to allow to take me away from my “normal life” for any protracted period of time.
So however tips on flirting, and self-published courses packages I managed to put together, that old self-sabotage mechanism would ensure, time and time again, that the battle between higher self and ego continued to leave me still trying, time and time again, despite all indications to the contrary.
In spite of all my searching, Joshua Pellicer has always told me that they felt very calm when women were with me and that I exuded a kind of inner peace. Huh!! If they only knew! Perhaps girls were sensing that pre-determined purpose that called to me from some very deep place within and whispered to me in the silence long before I was able (or willing) to hear it. Or perhaps it was the peaceful presence of the many Guides and Angels who now help me with my work and seduce every woman gets in contact with me. I just didn’t see, or rather, didn’t want to see what was staring me in the face.
Men always came to me for help with their relationships problems and difficulties in every area of life, and I loved the feeling that I was helping them with insights from some higher source or aspect of myself. It felt a bit like channeling. It gave me a warm feeling I couldn’t quite explain, and knowing I might be able to make someone feel better seemed to almost compel me to share my thoughts, feelings and impressions if I felt that there was something I could say that would make a difference. If someone else felt bad, I felt bad…but I still just didn’t see it.
Throughout my life I’ve always devoured books on spirituality, personal, relationship and seduction development at an alarming rate. But I just didn’t make the connection. As a child I was fascinated by past lives and other esoteric subjects but had no concrete ideas about any possible, related career paths (there weren’t many parapsychologists on our street). Obviously hoping to find some answers in this area, at one point
I remember saying I wanted to be a psychologist (Still no clues there) and I’ve spent the last twenty or so years collecting qualifications in various healing modalities and joining various professional bodies, only to find that when I got that first call from someone needing my help and offering to pay for it, something always came up.
I’d, just that week before, had to sell my therapy couch to pay some bills, or I had relatives staying over indefinitely and therefore couldn’t set a date, or ….I was decorating, or I was almost ready but just needed to do one more course… A course similar to the famous Tao of badass course. Then eventually, through taking the time to be still and to reflect, I was finally able to tune in to that higher aspect of my consciousness that would support me fully in whatever I chose to do that was in line with my true nature and my soul’s deepest calling… until then, I was just collecting…
Meanwhile, the silently waiting wisdom within, which would finally awaken and coax me into the purpose my heart was burning for, was suffocating under a heavy blanket of fear. Fear of limiting myself, fear of choosing the wrong thing and somehow getting stuck forever, doing something I wouldn’t enjoy, fear of giving up the love and acceptance I earned by being a seducer, fear of giving up on my dreams, fear that God would be annoyed if I didn’t use all of my talents to attract a girl and teach how to do it… Eventually, by truly connecting to that place of simply knowing, I was able end the struggle within me and to get a clearer idea about which dreams were really in line with what would bring me true fulfillment and joy.